Sara, thank you so much for your kind reply. It means the world to me as I am struggling to get the help I need. I was referred to an agency for some counselling and all they have to offer me is an OT. Can you imagine? She knows absolutely nothing about grief and trauma and DV (the situation I am in). It's not for lack of trying but the resources are not there or are not being used for their intended purposes. All you hear is Seek Help and what happens when you seek help for the reasons I mentioned and you get referred to an OT. I am all a
Sorry for your loss. Grief is a beast, whether it's the loss of a dear human or pet, it's a heavy burden to bear while life in the world beats on like nothing happened. My husband recently lost his mother and he was very close to her. Having been through a few close family losses, I know from experience what he's going through. One minute he seems fine, the next he's sobbing. Grief comes in waves and there's no way around it but to go through it. The first year is the hardest, especially Xmas. Time is a great healer and so is a compassionate ear you can bend when needed. I hope you have a friend like that. Take care and know you're not alone. 🙏
Thank you so much for this Amy, and I’m really sorry for your husband’s loss too. You’re so right: grief is a beast, and the world carrying on “as normal” can feel almost brutal. I agree completely: the first year is especially hard, and Christmas has a way of amplifying everything. I’m very grateful to have a few compassionate ears in my life, and this space on Substack is starting to feel like one of them too. Thank you for reminding me (and anyone reading) that we’re not alone in this. I’m holding you and your husband close in my thoughts.
There's a poem by WH Auden “Stop all the clocks” that describes the devastation I felt when my big sister, who was like a loving mother to me, died by her hand in 1997. A lifetime ago, memories fade, but I never stop missing her ❤️
I'm so happy that you have found a way to open up and feel comfortable doing that on Substack. I agree. There's something about long-form content that lets you connect with people truly, and it's wonderful.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time this holiday season. I can't imagine that's something that goes away. But, there are always ways to find the people you've lost, and if it's writing for you or others, then the people who you've lost are with you as much as you write about them.
This is so beautifully put Lisa, thank you. I feel the same way about Substack and long-form writing. There’s a depth and slowness here that makes it feel safe to be real, and I’m really grateful for that (and for people like you on the other side reading). You’re right, I don’t think the pain ever fully goes away, but I love how you describe finding the people we’ve lost inside the things we create. It genuinely feels like my mom and my cat are a little closer every time I write about them or the lessons they left me. Thank you for seeing that and putting it into words so clearly. I’m glad we get to share this space and keep our people close together, in writing.
You honor your mother with this post and share her giving spirit! The photos are beautiful and convey a loving family. Now you keep your mother’s generous spirit alive by all that you share with others on Substack! I participated in and benefited from your live video with Brian as a bereaved mother of my daughter Alix. I also look forward to reading your book!
I’m glad to read about the loving essence of your mother and to be part of your keeping her legacy alive. Keep writing and sharing your powerful, moving posts!
Dear Julie, thank you so much for these beautiful words, they went straight to my heart. It means a lot that you see my mother’s spirit in what I share here. I still feel her hand in so much of what I do, and knowing that comes through to you is incredibly special. I remember you from the live with Brian, and I think so often of the mothers carrying their children in their hearts. You honor Alix so deeply by speaking her name and by showing up to spaces like this, even with so much pain. I’m really touched that you’re looking forward to my book. I’ll be holding you and Alix very close in my thoughts as I keep writing and sharing.
Medicine has failed me. I’ve had two cancer surgeries, lost 3 dear friends to death as well as my beloved dog, and my husband has a mild TBI, so he needs me to guide his days.
Yet during one hospitalization my chart actually said “patient overly concerned about husband”. Their answer antidepressants. I told them I was not interested but when I arrived at rehab I discovered I was on two! Excuse me if my trust is gone.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been carrying Kalee, that is so much for one person. Reading what was written in your chart made my stomach drop. To label your care for your husband as “overly concerned” and then put you on two antidepressants without your consent is not okay. You deserved to be listened to, not medicated into silence. I’m really grateful you shared this here. You’re not alone in feeling failed by medicine, and voices like yours are exactly what we need to hear if we ever want to do better.
Kalee, I feel your pain. Today is my deceased father's birthday and the death anniversary of a cherish friend. Yesterday was the birthday of one of my deceased brother. I am in Canada and the health care system is very broken. My father was so badly mistreated at the hospital and I was present to all the horrific abuse despite all my efforts to protect him and at the end they waited for me to leave the room for a respite and they gave him an overdose. My father was ready to leave the hospital as the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him but when I told him I was taking my father home because that's what my father wanted all along, the doctor said it had been decided otherwise. So he was kept against his will and force-fed medication that were not needed. I had a big argument with the nurses and told them that if they try to force meds down my father's throat against his wishes that all hell would break lose. I stayed by his side night and day without sleep and not eating as I fear for his life and that's exactly what they did when I left for a short respite. They killed my father. My brother also died of neglect at the hospital. When the hospital found out that I was leaving to see him, 7 hours away I suddenly learned that my brother had also died. An overdose again. My best friend in the world also died of neglect (no water and no food). I did the best I could to advocate for him 2 provinces away but he also died. You had a right to be concerned. My trust is also broken. I lost both my parents, 5 sisters, 2 brothers and 10 friends. There's no one left. I know about losses and pain and it's terrible at Christmas because I miss them so much. We have to stand together and fight even though I am empty and going through depression. I am sending you strength and hope even though we have to dig deep for it. You're not alone.
Thank you for sharing this Yvonne, I’m so, so sorry for the enormity of everything you’ve lived through. The losses you describe it’s beyond heartbreaking. No one should have to witness what you did, let alone more than once. You had every right to be concerned. Feeling empty and depressed after so much pain is a completely human response to inhuman experiences. I’m grateful you wrote this, and that you reached out to Kalee with such solidarity. You’re right: we have to stand together, especially when it feels like there’s no one left. I’m holding you very close in my thoughts, you are not as alone as life has made you feel. Thank you for being here with us.
Sara, do you have any ideas, suggestions, feedback, coping skills to share on how to survive the Holidays while experiencing DV? Anything you could offered would be so appreciated.
Yvonne I am so sorry. I had a clash with hospice about 12 years ago over my mother. She was terminal but not actively dying. The hospice nurse was over medicating her which would have pushed her toward death in just a few days but a medical intervention by another provider showed that it was meds not her cancer that had her in that state. I changed hospice services and she lived another 3.5 months. Her family were with her and we watched old movies, looked at old pictures, and really celebrated her last Christmas together. My mother was awake, alert, eating, talking about her childhood and life. She would have died much earlier if I had not changed hospices and denied all of us those precious last months together.
I hope you find some hope and peace and I hope the same for myself, although I doubt either of us will ever trust medical professionals again.
Thank you so much Amanda. I really do feel that gap between “managing symptoms” and truly healing, for patients and for families. I agree it’s an important aspect to explore more deeply.
Since 2018 I have lost 2 cats. 3 years ago I lost my best friend and only daughter. I miss her so much. For the first 2 years I prayed to die. I'm still here. She left behind a young daughter. I want to move closer to her and maybe find some happiness again, for the both of us.
After my last Cat died, a very pregnant kitten showed up at my door. I kept Momma and her son. They keep me going.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter, your friend, and your cats. That’s an unbearable amount of grief for one heart to hold. I’m really glad you’re still here, even if some days that feels heavy. Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you, and wanting to move closer to her and build a bit of shared happiness sounds like such a beautiful next step. And I absolutely love the image of that very pregnant kitten showing up at your door, and you keeping Momma and her son. It feels like life sending you two small, furry reasons to keep going. I’m holding you, your daughter, your granddaughter, and your two cats very close in my heart.
Yesterday was 6 months since my spouse passed. First birthday, Nov 20, first Thanksgiving, and now first Christmas without him in 44 years. We were married 41 years. He was a difficult man. Hard to live with, but stayed all those years. Caregiver for 5 1/2 years of stage 4 mCRC that eventually took over his entire body. We have 3 adult daughters who all are walking out their grief differently. I waited 3 months to get into a grief counselor. Only to be billed as a "Psych Eval". I am not despondent. Just trying to navigate my feelings of mourning a person that was hard to love and mourning a life I thought we were supposed to have. I really feel nothing at all. Most days I just sit in the quietness of my house. It's peaceful now. I don't much care that Christmas is coming upon us. I have bought all my gifts. Put up a few decorations. It doesn't have the same meaning or feeling for me this year. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry for your loss. Feeling “nothing” right now, sitting in the quiet, and not really caring about Christmas, that isn’t wrong. It’s a very human response after so many years of strain and anticipatory grief. I’m glad you’re getting some peace in your home, even if it feels strange, and I’m sorry the system met your need for support with a “psych eval” label instead of simple compassion. Thank you for letting us read a piece of your story.
Thank you for writing this. I lost my father 18 months ago.
To grieve is to be human. I remember telling my doctor that i wasn't depressed, i was sad. There's nothing wrong with being sad after losing someone or something. We aren't robots.
I've learned to help hold space for others loss. I also believe most people's toxic behavior stems from grief, the loss of love somewhere along the way.
Thank you so much for sharing this Serena, and I’m really sorry about your father. Eighteen months is still so recent in grief-time, even if the calendar makes it look “far away,” the heart doesn’t work like that. I really resonate with what you told your doctor, that distinction is so important. There is nothing pathological about feeling deep sadness after a loss. As you said so beautifully, to grieve is to be human. We are supposed to feel it. We’re not robots, and love always leaves an imprint. I love that you’ve learned to hold space for others’ loss. That’s one of the gifts grief sometimes leaves behind, we become safer people for others to be real with. I’m really grateful you’re here, and that you put this into words. Your comment will stay with me.
Sara, Thank you for this post. December is a tough month for me as well. My Dad passed on December 11th 2005 from cancer and the complications that come from it. 20 years ago. I was 34, married with 2 young children (5 and 3) and just kept going because I had a family and wanted to keep things as normal as possible. But my grief was always there. I remember at the seven year mark and at Christmas time, I broke down and cried..Hard. It was hard for me to understand because, well it had been seven years, it should get easier..Well it doesn't get easier. Sometimes it gets harder because grief is not linear and there is no timeline. I can say though after 20 years, I know that my Dad is still with me in everything I do, and I can always hear his voice in my head with his little one liners and his eye rolls. And funny enough, I feel his strength in me when times get a little tough.
Similar to you, my Dad's illness and death lead my down a different path as well when it came to health and that of my family. And for that I am forever grateful for that time in my life. Sometimes the universe has a different path for us and only give that to those who are strong. Know you are not alone in your grief and your story has shown me that I am not alone either.
Dear Danni, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry you lost your dad, and at a time when you were holding so much already and that instinct to “keep things normal” for everyone else. It’s no wonder your grief had to find its way out at some point.
The idea that “it should get easier by now” is something so many of us tell ourselves, and yet, as you said beautifully, grief is not linear and it doesn’t follow a timeline. Sometimes it hits harder because time has passed. It means a lot to hear that his illness and death also shifted your path around health and family, in a way that you can now feel grateful for, even inside the sadness. I feel something very similar with my mom. It doesn’t justify the loss, but it does give it a kind of meaning we can build a life around. Your words about the universe giving different paths to those who are strong really touched me. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone either. I’m holding you, your dad’s memory, and that younger version of you who kept going for her kids, very close in my heart.
In 2019 I lost my late husband to brain Cancer. He lived only 4 months from diagnosis to his death. To honor him, I self published a book in 2021 called Incurable, about our journey from his diagnosis to his death. Much to my surprise reached #1 in best sellers on Amazon, making me a Best Selling Author. What I learned from my late husband, is that dying to death can be a beautiful thing, if you are able to open your heart and mind to it. I discovered that Grief is really just love with no place to go. So when he passed away, I poured that love into the people and animals that remained in life after he was gone. I opened my heart to idea of loving another partner. I remarried in 2021. Since 2019, I have also lost 5 dogs, 1 cat, 3 horses, and my Dad. With each passing, I have needed to dig deep and remember my grief is just love, yearning for a place to go. Love and laughter are the rulers of my life. My late husband chose not to seek treatment, and as result he was not sick while he was dying, until of course his body began to let him down. I spent 56 days, 21 hours a day with him in a Palliative Suite. So much of this time was spent loving each and laughing at his silly antics. He lovingly carried me and his family through his passing, until he no longer had the cognitive ability to do so, and then I took over and carried him. It was both excruciatingly hard and beautiful all at the same time. Let love and laughter carry you through the hardest parts of your life - Michelle
I lost my mom on January 1 to a glioblastoma in 4 months. Sounds very similar to your husband. It’s been an utterly devastating loss as we approach the one year anniversary. I’m still standing though which honestly I wasn’t sure I would be.
Michelle, thank you for trusting us with such an intimate, hard-won story. I’m so sorry for the loss of your late husband, and for all the losses that followed. That is an enormous amount of love to have had to relocate, again and again. The fact that you honored him by writing Incurable says so much about both of you. Your love, your honesty, and what others clearly needed to read. I was really struck by your line that grief is “just love with no place to go,” and by how you decided to give that love new places to land: people, animals, and even a new partner. That takes courage. Many people get stuck in the guilt of even imagining loving again. You’re living proof that continuing to love doesn’t erase what came before, it extends it.
I lost my mother when she was 52 and two little brothers to the same demon. Addiction or suicide more factually stated. Grief is a killer and most do it silently or outwardly relying on addiction to kill the feeling of loss or the thoughts that won't go away. Early on I refused to be a victim but without guidance I became super aggressive and on a path of the same demise.
Today on substack I can report that it's not all about me seeking help but rather seeking those spaces where I can be supportive based from my experience or seek support from lack of experience. As a retired 60 year old retired airplane mechanic who is a widower I mostly can share that life is learning too cope with loss without dope. However that encompasses a broad wealth of knowledge to understand others rather than to be understood. I appreciate your willingness to share openly about your private life separate for your professional life. We ALL are someone who deserves respect and compassion for if not for others sharing their experience strength and hope most of us would be still stuck in our world of shit.
Thank you Sara for sharing your story. I feel your grief and at the same time strength here in this Substack community for how you live your life today with purpose.
I too experienced a similar loss of my dad from cancer when I was trying to finish PT school. It has taken me over 20 years into my adult years to share his story and impact on my life. The chapter I just finished to honor him in my upcoming new book was difficult to complete all these years later.
Ps- I feel our pets that come into our lives that we share time with also hold our loved ones spirits so never feel bad for loving and missing a dear pet.❤️
Dear David, thank you so much for this, and for seeing both the grief and the purpose in what I’m trying to do here. That means more to me than you know. I’m so sorry about your dad. To lose him while you were in PT school, with all the pressure and responsibility that comes with training in healthcare, is such a heavy load to carry. Finishing that chapter in your upcoming book is a powerful act of honoring him. Even if it was painful to write, you’ve now turned part of your grief into something that will touch and help others. That’s incredibly brave. I hope you feel him close to you in those pages. And I completely agree with your PS, our pets really do hold pieces of our loved ones’ spirits, and also of us at different times in our lives. I’ll never feel bad again for grieving Simba, and your words reinforce that. I’m cheering for you and your book, and I’m really grateful our paths crossed here.
❤️
Sara, thank you so much for your kind reply. It means the world to me as I am struggling to get the help I need. I was referred to an agency for some counselling and all they have to offer me is an OT. Can you imagine? She knows absolutely nothing about grief and trauma and DV (the situation I am in). It's not for lack of trying but the resources are not there or are not being used for their intended purposes. All you hear is Seek Help and what happens when you seek help for the reasons I mentioned and you get referred to an OT. I am all a
Sorry for your loss. Grief is a beast, whether it's the loss of a dear human or pet, it's a heavy burden to bear while life in the world beats on like nothing happened. My husband recently lost his mother and he was very close to her. Having been through a few close family losses, I know from experience what he's going through. One minute he seems fine, the next he's sobbing. Grief comes in waves and there's no way around it but to go through it. The first year is the hardest, especially Xmas. Time is a great healer and so is a compassionate ear you can bend when needed. I hope you have a friend like that. Take care and know you're not alone. 🙏
Thank you so much for this Amy, and I’m really sorry for your husband’s loss too. You’re so right: grief is a beast, and the world carrying on “as normal” can feel almost brutal. I agree completely: the first year is especially hard, and Christmas has a way of amplifying everything. I’m very grateful to have a few compassionate ears in my life, and this space on Substack is starting to feel like one of them too. Thank you for reminding me (and anyone reading) that we’re not alone in this. I’m holding you and your husband close in my thoughts.
Warmly,
Sara
There's a poem by WH Auden “Stop all the clocks” that describes the devastation I felt when my big sister, who was like a loving mother to me, died by her hand in 1997. A lifetime ago, memories fade, but I never stop missing her ❤️
I'm so happy that you have found a way to open up and feel comfortable doing that on Substack. I agree. There's something about long-form content that lets you connect with people truly, and it's wonderful.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time this holiday season. I can't imagine that's something that goes away. But, there are always ways to find the people you've lost, and if it's writing for you or others, then the people who you've lost are with you as much as you write about them.
At least that's something I've always felt.
This is so beautifully put Lisa, thank you. I feel the same way about Substack and long-form writing. There’s a depth and slowness here that makes it feel safe to be real, and I’m really grateful for that (and for people like you on the other side reading). You’re right, I don’t think the pain ever fully goes away, but I love how you describe finding the people we’ve lost inside the things we create. It genuinely feels like my mom and my cat are a little closer every time I write about them or the lessons they left me. Thank you for seeing that and putting it into words so clearly. I’m glad we get to share this space and keep our people close together, in writing.
Warmly,
Sara
You honor your mother with this post and share her giving spirit! The photos are beautiful and convey a loving family. Now you keep your mother’s generous spirit alive by all that you share with others on Substack! I participated in and benefited from your live video with Brian as a bereaved mother of my daughter Alix. I also look forward to reading your book!
I’m glad to read about the loving essence of your mother and to be part of your keeping her legacy alive. Keep writing and sharing your powerful, moving posts!
Dear Julie, thank you so much for these beautiful words, they went straight to my heart. It means a lot that you see my mother’s spirit in what I share here. I still feel her hand in so much of what I do, and knowing that comes through to you is incredibly special. I remember you from the live with Brian, and I think so often of the mothers carrying their children in their hearts. You honor Alix so deeply by speaking her name and by showing up to spaces like this, even with so much pain. I’m really touched that you’re looking forward to my book. I’ll be holding you and Alix very close in my thoughts as I keep writing and sharing.
Warmly,
Sara
such a beautiful text. thanks for sharing, Sara, and sorry for your losses! ✨
Thank you very much Kristina 🙏
Medicine has failed me. I’ve had two cancer surgeries, lost 3 dear friends to death as well as my beloved dog, and my husband has a mild TBI, so he needs me to guide his days.
Yet during one hospitalization my chart actually said “patient overly concerned about husband”. Their answer antidepressants. I told them I was not interested but when I arrived at rehab I discovered I was on two! Excuse me if my trust is gone.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been carrying Kalee, that is so much for one person. Reading what was written in your chart made my stomach drop. To label your care for your husband as “overly concerned” and then put you on two antidepressants without your consent is not okay. You deserved to be listened to, not medicated into silence. I’m really grateful you shared this here. You’re not alone in feeling failed by medicine, and voices like yours are exactly what we need to hear if we ever want to do better.
Warmly,
Sara
Thank you. My distrust has made me very vocal. I will never be in that situation again.
Kalee, I feel your pain. Today is my deceased father's birthday and the death anniversary of a cherish friend. Yesterday was the birthday of one of my deceased brother. I am in Canada and the health care system is very broken. My father was so badly mistreated at the hospital and I was present to all the horrific abuse despite all my efforts to protect him and at the end they waited for me to leave the room for a respite and they gave him an overdose. My father was ready to leave the hospital as the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him but when I told him I was taking my father home because that's what my father wanted all along, the doctor said it had been decided otherwise. So he was kept against his will and force-fed medication that were not needed. I had a big argument with the nurses and told them that if they try to force meds down my father's throat against his wishes that all hell would break lose. I stayed by his side night and day without sleep and not eating as I fear for his life and that's exactly what they did when I left for a short respite. They killed my father. My brother also died of neglect at the hospital. When the hospital found out that I was leaving to see him, 7 hours away I suddenly learned that my brother had also died. An overdose again. My best friend in the world also died of neglect (no water and no food). I did the best I could to advocate for him 2 provinces away but he also died. You had a right to be concerned. My trust is also broken. I lost both my parents, 5 sisters, 2 brothers and 10 friends. There's no one left. I know about losses and pain and it's terrible at Christmas because I miss them so much. We have to stand together and fight even though I am empty and going through depression. I am sending you strength and hope even though we have to dig deep for it. You're not alone.
Thank you for sharing this Yvonne, I’m so, so sorry for the enormity of everything you’ve lived through. The losses you describe it’s beyond heartbreaking. No one should have to witness what you did, let alone more than once. You had every right to be concerned. Feeling empty and depressed after so much pain is a completely human response to inhuman experiences. I’m grateful you wrote this, and that you reached out to Kalee with such solidarity. You’re right: we have to stand together, especially when it feels like there’s no one left. I’m holding you very close in my thoughts, you are not as alone as life has made you feel. Thank you for being here with us.
Warmly,
Sara
Sara, do you have any ideas, suggestions, feedback, coping skills to share on how to survive the Holidays while experiencing DV? Anything you could offered would be so appreciated.
Yvonne I am so sorry. I had a clash with hospice about 12 years ago over my mother. She was terminal but not actively dying. The hospice nurse was over medicating her which would have pushed her toward death in just a few days but a medical intervention by another provider showed that it was meds not her cancer that had her in that state. I changed hospice services and she lived another 3.5 months. Her family were with her and we watched old movies, looked at old pictures, and really celebrated her last Christmas together. My mother was awake, alert, eating, talking about her childhood and life. She would have died much earlier if I had not changed hospices and denied all of us those precious last months together.
I hope you find some hope and peace and I hope the same for myself, although I doubt either of us will ever trust medical professionals again.
Kalee, thank you so much for your reply.
Beautiful share and tribute. X I think this is a good aspect to explore… “It felt like the system was built to manage symptoms, not to truly heal.”
Thank you so much Amanda. I really do feel that gap between “managing symptoms” and truly healing, for patients and for families. I agree it’s an important aspect to explore more deeply.
Warmly,
Sara
I'm so sorry for your loss. 🤗💜
Since 2018 I have lost 2 cats. 3 years ago I lost my best friend and only daughter. I miss her so much. For the first 2 years I prayed to die. I'm still here. She left behind a young daughter. I want to move closer to her and maybe find some happiness again, for the both of us.
After my last Cat died, a very pregnant kitten showed up at my door. I kept Momma and her son. They keep me going.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter, your friend, and your cats. That’s an unbearable amount of grief for one heart to hold. I’m really glad you’re still here, even if some days that feels heavy. Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you, and wanting to move closer to her and build a bit of shared happiness sounds like such a beautiful next step. And I absolutely love the image of that very pregnant kitten showing up at your door, and you keeping Momma and her son. It feels like life sending you two small, furry reasons to keep going. I’m holding you, your daughter, your granddaughter, and your two cats very close in my heart.
Warmly,
Sara
Yesterday was 6 months since my spouse passed. First birthday, Nov 20, first Thanksgiving, and now first Christmas without him in 44 years. We were married 41 years. He was a difficult man. Hard to live with, but stayed all those years. Caregiver for 5 1/2 years of stage 4 mCRC that eventually took over his entire body. We have 3 adult daughters who all are walking out their grief differently. I waited 3 months to get into a grief counselor. Only to be billed as a "Psych Eval". I am not despondent. Just trying to navigate my feelings of mourning a person that was hard to love and mourning a life I thought we were supposed to have. I really feel nothing at all. Most days I just sit in the quietness of my house. It's peaceful now. I don't much care that Christmas is coming upon us. I have bought all my gifts. Put up a few decorations. It doesn't have the same meaning or feeling for me this year. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry for your loss. Feeling “nothing” right now, sitting in the quiet, and not really caring about Christmas, that isn’t wrong. It’s a very human response after so many years of strain and anticipatory grief. I’m glad you’re getting some peace in your home, even if it feels strange, and I’m sorry the system met your need for support with a “psych eval” label instead of simple compassion. Thank you for letting us read a piece of your story.
Warmly,
Sara
Thank you!!
Thank you for writing this. I lost my father 18 months ago.
To grieve is to be human. I remember telling my doctor that i wasn't depressed, i was sad. There's nothing wrong with being sad after losing someone or something. We aren't robots.
I've learned to help hold space for others loss. I also believe most people's toxic behavior stems from grief, the loss of love somewhere along the way.
Thank you so much for sharing this Serena, and I’m really sorry about your father. Eighteen months is still so recent in grief-time, even if the calendar makes it look “far away,” the heart doesn’t work like that. I really resonate with what you told your doctor, that distinction is so important. There is nothing pathological about feeling deep sadness after a loss. As you said so beautifully, to grieve is to be human. We are supposed to feel it. We’re not robots, and love always leaves an imprint. I love that you’ve learned to hold space for others’ loss. That’s one of the gifts grief sometimes leaves behind, we become safer people for others to be real with. I’m really grateful you’re here, and that you put this into words. Your comment will stay with me.
Warmly,
Sara
Sara, Thank you for this post. December is a tough month for me as well. My Dad passed on December 11th 2005 from cancer and the complications that come from it. 20 years ago. I was 34, married with 2 young children (5 and 3) and just kept going because I had a family and wanted to keep things as normal as possible. But my grief was always there. I remember at the seven year mark and at Christmas time, I broke down and cried..Hard. It was hard for me to understand because, well it had been seven years, it should get easier..Well it doesn't get easier. Sometimes it gets harder because grief is not linear and there is no timeline. I can say though after 20 years, I know that my Dad is still with me in everything I do, and I can always hear his voice in my head with his little one liners and his eye rolls. And funny enough, I feel his strength in me when times get a little tough.
Similar to you, my Dad's illness and death lead my down a different path as well when it came to health and that of my family. And for that I am forever grateful for that time in my life. Sometimes the universe has a different path for us and only give that to those who are strong. Know you are not alone in your grief and your story has shown me that I am not alone either.
Dear Danni, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry you lost your dad, and at a time when you were holding so much already and that instinct to “keep things normal” for everyone else. It’s no wonder your grief had to find its way out at some point.
The idea that “it should get easier by now” is something so many of us tell ourselves, and yet, as you said beautifully, grief is not linear and it doesn’t follow a timeline. Sometimes it hits harder because time has passed. It means a lot to hear that his illness and death also shifted your path around health and family, in a way that you can now feel grateful for, even inside the sadness. I feel something very similar with my mom. It doesn’t justify the loss, but it does give it a kind of meaning we can build a life around. Your words about the universe giving different paths to those who are strong really touched me. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone either. I’m holding you, your dad’s memory, and that younger version of you who kept going for her kids, very close in my heart.
Warmly,
Sara
Navigating my first holiday season after a profound loss to cancer. Thank you for naming this. Yes, The love does not end. 🩵
In 2019 I lost my late husband to brain Cancer. He lived only 4 months from diagnosis to his death. To honor him, I self published a book in 2021 called Incurable, about our journey from his diagnosis to his death. Much to my surprise reached #1 in best sellers on Amazon, making me a Best Selling Author. What I learned from my late husband, is that dying to death can be a beautiful thing, if you are able to open your heart and mind to it. I discovered that Grief is really just love with no place to go. So when he passed away, I poured that love into the people and animals that remained in life after he was gone. I opened my heart to idea of loving another partner. I remarried in 2021. Since 2019, I have also lost 5 dogs, 1 cat, 3 horses, and my Dad. With each passing, I have needed to dig deep and remember my grief is just love, yearning for a place to go. Love and laughter are the rulers of my life. My late husband chose not to seek treatment, and as result he was not sick while he was dying, until of course his body began to let him down. I spent 56 days, 21 hours a day with him in a Palliative Suite. So much of this time was spent loving each and laughing at his silly antics. He lovingly carried me and his family through his passing, until he no longer had the cognitive ability to do so, and then I took over and carried him. It was both excruciatingly hard and beautiful all at the same time. Let love and laughter carry you through the hardest parts of your life - Michelle
I lost my mom on January 1 to a glioblastoma in 4 months. Sounds very similar to your husband. It’s been an utterly devastating loss as we approach the one year anniversary. I’m still standing though which honestly I wasn’t sure I would be.
❤️❤️❤️
Michelle, thank you for trusting us with such an intimate, hard-won story. I’m so sorry for the loss of your late husband, and for all the losses that followed. That is an enormous amount of love to have had to relocate, again and again. The fact that you honored him by writing Incurable says so much about both of you. Your love, your honesty, and what others clearly needed to read. I was really struck by your line that grief is “just love with no place to go,” and by how you decided to give that love new places to land: people, animals, and even a new partner. That takes courage. Many people get stuck in the guilt of even imagining loving again. You’re living proof that continuing to love doesn’t erase what came before, it extends it.
Warmly,
Sara
I lost my mother when she was 52 and two little brothers to the same demon. Addiction or suicide more factually stated. Grief is a killer and most do it silently or outwardly relying on addiction to kill the feeling of loss or the thoughts that won't go away. Early on I refused to be a victim but without guidance I became super aggressive and on a path of the same demise.
Today on substack I can report that it's not all about me seeking help but rather seeking those spaces where I can be supportive based from my experience or seek support from lack of experience. As a retired 60 year old retired airplane mechanic who is a widower I mostly can share that life is learning too cope with loss without dope. However that encompasses a broad wealth of knowledge to understand others rather than to be understood. I appreciate your willingness to share openly about your private life separate for your professional life. We ALL are someone who deserves respect and compassion for if not for others sharing their experience strength and hope most of us would be still stuck in our world of shit.
REGARDLESS
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Thank you Sara for sharing your story. I feel your grief and at the same time strength here in this Substack community for how you live your life today with purpose.
I too experienced a similar loss of my dad from cancer when I was trying to finish PT school. It has taken me over 20 years into my adult years to share his story and impact on my life. The chapter I just finished to honor him in my upcoming new book was difficult to complete all these years later.
Ps- I feel our pets that come into our lives that we share time with also hold our loved ones spirits so never feel bad for loving and missing a dear pet.❤️
Dear David, thank you so much for this, and for seeing both the grief and the purpose in what I’m trying to do here. That means more to me than you know. I’m so sorry about your dad. To lose him while you were in PT school, with all the pressure and responsibility that comes with training in healthcare, is such a heavy load to carry. Finishing that chapter in your upcoming book is a powerful act of honoring him. Even if it was painful to write, you’ve now turned part of your grief into something that will touch and help others. That’s incredibly brave. I hope you feel him close to you in those pages. And I completely agree with your PS, our pets really do hold pieces of our loved ones’ spirits, and also of us at different times in our lives. I’ll never feel bad again for grieving Simba, and your words reinforce that. I’m cheering for you and your book, and I’m really grateful our paths crossed here.
Warmly,
Sara